The question is not about getting out of something. It’s
more of where to go! There are relatively better and worse prospects. What if
you have been through them all? The world wants you to believe there are better
things to cling to. I want to believe there are better things ahead. I wish to
be tossed into another conundrum just because the current one seems unbearable.
I just don’t like the pretentiousness of its audacity. The alcohol fueled
evenings, soaked in a feeling of a better tomorrow, a better place to be in.
why can’t I accept that I will look back and regret. Regret about getting out
of the abyss I knew, I created, than to the unknown, the one which I have no
Idea about.
I wish my life is like a
discontinues sitcom, I wish I was born daily, like an insect dying and getting
born again the next day. A new’ I’ every day in other place, another time,
Different age. I just cannot bear yesterday
weighing down my today, the past acting like some insane custodian of my
actions. What kind of insect am I with a life span of decades? Why am I to
suffer consequences of anything apart from my actions, why do I wake up next
day with a memory and why does it cares to bother me with a conscience? Personal
development and control, can I ascribe those to the situation I am trying to
run away from?
After
all that has been said and done in the world, in our history, it’s not hard to
love or to be loved. There is not any race, religion, place left in the world that
cannot be part of my pity for what they all have suffered at some point and yet
all those history seems redundant, justified according to time and place, there
is no truth to them which would affect present. The only truth I can see today
are at the ends of a razor blade, which cuts sharper than all the hate, all the
malice, the pity, the nationalism, the racism, affections, blind obedience and
loyalty! Most importantly it does not prolong suffering, it ends it. There are
no events these days. Just the natural course of action, the rebellion after
the oppression, the redistribution after the loot, the rebellion and the
redistribution controlled by the most evil and powerful, this is natural. What was
indeed unnatural was surrendering voluntarily to evil and making it powerful. Giving
it the control! So the question really is that am I in any control or it’s just
an illusion?
Why live
with someone who cares and consoles me, reminds me of pain. Why live with
myself? Why nurture a deformity when it
simply can be eliminated? Sure people say to me it’s a gift! It’s always worth
living. Drown In libations, on drugs if it becomes unbearable, find an escape,
temporary one. Grow a hobby, meet people, pick sports, click pictures, read,
write, dance and fight, just sit tight and enjoy the ride. All I can really
think about is that people make all these efforts to just not die? What when the
idea comes in the back of the mind, when we are free enough to understand that
we are not free? That we can let go and it will hardly affect anything, not
even our own egos that prevents us from recognizing our own insignificance, when
we know we can do this and we wish to, isn’t doing anything otherwise is just a
fetish to our fleshly forms when our senses have already given up?
Let’s face it; I will
get help when the world finds it convenient to help that means when I don’t need
it. There are exceptions, the stars sometimes align and you get help when it is
needed, call that luck, talk about it around, and you have manufactured hope,
in a certain hyperbole, god too. I am too impatient to rely on hope that pretty
much sums up my aloneness with me. The help is not coming, my life is a
self-serving gift then why am I placed among other lives? Here comes a second escape men have found in a
hurry, purpose! Look around and remember
how many professions you discard as unnecessary, the man who swipes the dust
from one side of the road to the other side, daily, the jobs you think can be
easily replaced by machinery, look around and see stairs in the age of lifts
and escalators, how much do you yourself enjoy what you do? No, but there is
another cosmic purpose one is bound to serve as a duty to life! I despise holy
men too; you too belittle them when you give a presentation on cost management
and downsizing at your office. But why are you scared enough to say to those
holy men that they serve invisible beings which is downright unproductive, why?
Because you serve an invisible hand too, our own corporate god.
I just sit back and relax, think about how I am irreplaceable and what I
will miss. The only thing I can come up with is taking more people with me to
the other side. Law calls it homicide. Now this is an exaggeration, people are
surely awarded for killing too. It’s just the time and place that matters. I will
however be a conspirator who instigated mass migration, migration to the other
side. But why do I think about taking more people with me, isn’t it the reason I
am planning to escape? Why do I want to be understood even in my own death? Why
do I need validation from a group of people I hate? I am a product of this world;
the only thing I am in control of, the only thing I can do in my own accord is
leave it!
The question in the beginning
of this note is answered, I know where to get to, and it’s certainly better
just because I am out of where I am! I am not a victim; I have simply ceased to
be a victim. The accused is not this world; it has simply ceased to exist for
me. The beneficiary is no one. Do not cry; save those tears for you have more
to live!
He put down his pen, wiped his face, smelled the final sweat
of his malice and slashed his wrists.
